Taking Care of Mom, The Early Years

Of the four family members that I took care of, Mom is the most difficult.  The difficulty started the day we made Mom move in 2022.  In the summer of 2011, I moved my mother and aunt from Tennessee to Georgia.  Mom needed help with my aunt who was 84 years old, deaf, blind and had dementia.  Mom was 81. We moved them here so I could help take care of my aunt. After my aunt died, Mom chose to live alone. In 2021 we realized it wasn’t safe for her to live alone.

For over a year, we tried to convince Mom to move in with us.  She and I both knew that the two of us living together was not an ideal situation, but it was what was best for her.  Regardless of the appeal she turned us down.  Her reasoning was, of course, that she could take care of herself. 

The reality was that during that year there were many signs that Mom shouldn’t live alone:

• she was showing signs of dementia
• she had locked herself out of the house several times
• her medical alert company was calling us almost weekly, usually in the wee hours of the morning
• she slipped and ended upside down for three days in her walk-in tub. The fire department had to get her out.
• food in the refrigerator was spoiled and we had to sneak and throw it out
• she was wearing soiled clothes
• she wouldn’t use her walker and fell several tiimes

Accusations & Attitudes

Mom told my husband, Fred, that she would think about moving.  I told him, that was Mom’s way of saying no, she wouldn’t move. We went back and forth about her moving, but she wouldn’t budge. Eventually my husband, daughter, son-in-law and I decided to move Mom, but we didn’t tell her until the day of the move.  She was furious.  That was the beginning of 18 months of mom’s bad attitude, accusations and uncooperative behavior – all directed at me.  The flip side of this coin is that she was nice to everyone else.  I was the sole object of her wrath.  To be completely honest, Mom and I are both extremely stubborn and can be unrelenting when we think we’re right. 

Mom often accused me of stealing her money and writing checks from checkbook. When I would show her cancelled checks that she had written and had her signature, Mom would deny writing the checks and say I wrote them. Then the arguments started.

Our shouting matches were so loud that Fred would intervene.  I knew arguing with Mom wouldn’t change anything, but my anger got the best of me.  I didn’t like being called a liar, especially when I was doing the best I could to take care of her.

One of the things that was helpful for me, was talking to two of Mom’s close friends. They called to check on her, and I mentioned the accusations and shouting matches. They told me that Mom has anger problems. They also said years ago, they had encouraged her to get help, but she refused.

By 2024 things had finally settled down and now my life with Mom is tolerable